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Ducks Confirmed To Possess Terrifying Super Strength, Experts Urge Public To Stop Feeding Them Bread

LAKEWOOD, OH—In a report that has left scientists and park rangers equally horrified, researchers confirmed Tuesday that ducks, long assumed to be harmless, are in fact creatures of staggering super strength. “A single mallard has the lifting capacity of roughly four adult humans, and that’s when it’s not even trying,” said Dr. Emily Vargas, who described watching one casually rip a park bench out of the ground before returning to preen its feathers. Witnesses at Lakewood Park claimed to see a group of five ducks form a chain and drag a pontoon boat ashore as if it were a bath toy. “We thought they were just swimming,” added one shaken onlooker, “but then they started bench-pressing picnic tables.”

Public officials are now warning citizens to avoid making direct eye contact with ducks, and under no circumstances should anyone attempt to challenge one to a test of strength. “Please stop feeding them bread—carbs only make them stronger,” cautioned a Department of Wildlife spokesperson, noting that several geese have already begun “bulking up” after watching their smaller cousins display feats of raw power. While experts debate whether ducks intend to use their abilities for good or evil, one thing is clear: they could flip your car over whenever they feel like it, and they know it.